I was chatting with a friend online. Somehow she commented that I like routine and she has noticed it.

When I heard this, I felt the discomfort inside of me. I don’t think I liked what I heard. My body responded accordingly.

Yes I admit. I am a creature of habits. I like to plan. I like to know what my day will be like. And yes I do have my routine. What I am not sure is that I like routine or not.

I have routine or set schedule as my days revolve around client’s bookings. As my clients have their regular bookings, my life look like a whole big routine.

So I had to ask myself. Do I like routine?

No I said.

But obviously I behave like I like routine. That’s why others noticed. My behavior must be pretty predictable.

It felt uncomfortable. It hit me and made me think. I wanted to defend myself to my friend that my life looks like a routine but it is a by-product of my work, not by my choice. I didn’t explain that to her as I thought no need to defend myself to her.

Just a small word out of a candid conversation affected me so much and made me uncomfortable about myself and how I live my life. There must be something deep underneath that I have not yet to discovered about myself. There might be something deep underneath that I am to unveil soon. It is interesting that what I think I do is different from what others see I do. Do I need to care that? Do I need to compare that? Or do I just live the life the way I think I am living and that is totally OK? Why do I still get affected by other people’s view of my life? Does it matter much to me? 

 

The discomfort I felt with the comment and the dissatisfation I had with my life must be matching in frequency. The life that looks like a bunch of routines can be the reason I felt somewhat dissatisfied about my life – preCovid. I wanted to be more sponteneous. I wanted to be more flexible with my time. That is what I am to change. Covid game me the opportunity to do so. The life during the lockdown was anywhere near what my ‘routine’ was! 

The lockdown is now over. I have returned to my work. I do not wish to go back to my routine life now I realised I do not like routines. Yes I do still need to follow my schedule, but my attitude towards everyday life has changed. I am not falling back to ‘status quo’ ‘same old same old’ everyday life. I am here to make each and everyday meaningful. 

No going back to default mode.